i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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