My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
