My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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