is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
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