The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
