Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize