my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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