yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
