you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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