mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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