her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
