I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize