I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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