i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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