She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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