he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
