I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize