I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize