dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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