I wanna bring you to show and tell
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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