# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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