Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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