well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
