So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
