if i can run in heels then i can drive
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
