You smell like a Billy Joel song
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
