You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize