I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
