When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
