I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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