i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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