Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's shark week go big or go home
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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