O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
