You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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