he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
