I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
zippers are such a cool invention
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
