And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
