the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
