we have pet lesbian snakes
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
