So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
