Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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