isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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