Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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