She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Dicks are not precious.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
