I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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