Betty ford says i'm here all night
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
