I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
