i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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