My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
