Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My ass is underappreciated
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
