genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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