According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
