saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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