Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
