Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
