I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
