i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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