Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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