So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
