Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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