Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
