We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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