Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
