why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
