I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize