not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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